some warning signs to
watch out for

children

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​

Let us look at some behaviors that may be warning signs that some form of sexual abuse has occurred or is occurring:

• Signs of anxiety or excessive nervousness
• Signs that child has fear of particular adult or older child
• Depressed mood
• Self-harming behaviors, including cutting one's self
• Withdrawing from family or friends, isolative behaviors
• Change in sleep patterns or bedwetting where there was no problem with such in the recent past
• Expressions of pains or illnesses where there is no medical cause
• Increased nightmares
• Increased aggression
• Drug use
• Indications of pain in genital or anal areas
• Increase sexualized behaviors, talk, or knowledge that are not age appropriate
• Attempts to sexualize relationships with adults or other children
• Onset of academic difficulties in school
• Sudden change in dress, ranging from attempts to cover self to wearing sexualized outfits
• Fear of going home from school or other activities
• Touching of own genitals excessively and/or publicly

teens

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The teen years can be tough for both parent and child. Adolescents are under stress to be liked, do well in school, get along with their family and make important life decisions. Most of these pressures are unavoidable and worrying about them is natural. But if your teen: is feeling extremely sad, hopeless or·worthless, these could be warning signs of a mental health problem.

Mental health problems are real, painful and can be severe. They can lead to school failure, loss of friends, or family conflict. Some of the signs that may point to a possible problem are listed below. If you are a Parent or other caregiver of a teenager, pay attention if your teen:

• Is troubled by feeling: very angry most of the time, cries a lot or overreacts to things; ·
• worthless or guilty a lot;
• anxious or worried a lot more than other young people;
• grief for a long time after a loss or death;
• extremely fearful-has unexplained fears or more fears than most kids;
• constantly concerned about physical problems or appearance;
• frightened that his or her mind is controlled or is out of control.

Experiences big changes, for example:

• does much worse in school; loses interest in things usually enjoyed;
• has unexplained changes in sleeping or eating habits;
• avoids friends or family and wants to be alone all the time;
• daydreams too much and can't get things done;
• feels life is too hard to handle or talks about suicide;
• hears voices that cannot be explained.

Is limited by:

• poor concentration;
• can't make decisions;
• inability to sit still or focus attention;
• worry about being harmed, hurting others, or about doing something "bad";
• the need to wash, clean things, or perform certain routines dozens of times a day;
• thoughts that race almost too fast to follow;
• persistent nightmares.

Behaves in ways that cause problems, for-example:

• uses alcohol or other drugs;
• eats large amounts of food and then forces vomiting,
• abuses laxatives, or takes enemas to avoid weight-'gain;
• continues to diet or exercise obsessively although bone-thin;.
• often hurts other people, destroys property, or breaks the law;
• does things that can be life threatening.

adults

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A person with one or more of the following symptoms should be evaluated by a psychiatrist or other physician as soon as possible:

• Marked personality change
• Inability to cope with problems and daily activities
• Strange or grandiose ideas.
• Excessive anxieties.
• Prolonged depression and apathy.
• Marked changes in eating or sleeping patterns.
• Extreme highs and lows.
• Abuse of alcohol or drugs.
• Excessive anger, hostility, or violent behavior.
• A person who is thinking or talking about suicide or homicide should seek help immediately

couples

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Withdrawal and avoidance - this is when one partner shows an unwillingness to get into or stay with important discussions. Withdrawal can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as "turning off" or "shutting down" during an argument. Avoidance reflects the same reluctance to participate in certain discussions, with more emphasis on preventing the conversation from happening in the first place.

Invalidation - is a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings or character of the other. Sometimes such comments, intentionally or unintentionally, lower the self-esteem of the targeted person. Invalidation can take many forms. One partner says to the other that their feelings (for example: sadness and frustration) are inappropriate. Invalidation hurts. It leads naturally to covering up who you are and what you think, because it becomes just too risky to do otherwise. People naturally cover up their innermost feelings when they believe that they will be "put down.

Negative interpretations - occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. The actions of one partner are interpreted negatively and unfairly. Research tells us that people tend to see what they expect to see in others and in situations. In fact, we have a very strong tendency toward "confirmation bias" which consist of looking for evidence that confirms what we already think is true about a person or situation. In distressed relationships, the partners tend to discount the positive things they see, attributing to causes such as chance rather than to any positive characteristics of the partner.

Escalation - occurs when partners negatively respond back and forth to each other, continually upping the ante so conditions get worse and worse. Partners tend to say things that threaten the very lifeblood of their relationship. Partners often try to hurt each other by hurling verbal (and sometimes physical) weapons. When escalation includes the use of intimate knowledge as a weapon, the threat to the future likelihood of tender moments is great. Who's going to share deep feelings if the information may be used later when conflict is out of control in the relationship?

school

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• The child seems overwhelmed and troubled by his or her feelings, unable to cope with them.
• The child cries a lot.
• The child frequently asks or hints for help.
• The child seems constantly preoccupied, worried, anxious, and intense.
• Some children develop a fear of a variety of things--rain, barking dogs, burglars, their parents' getting killed when out of sight, and so on--while other children simply wear their anxiety on their faces.
• The child has fears or phobias that are unreasonable or interfere with normal activities.
• The child can't seem to concentrate on schoolwork and other age-appropriate tasks.
• The child's school performance declines and doesn't pick up again.
• The child's teachers, school administrators, or other authority figures in the child's life ask the parent what might be troubling the child.
• The child is having difficulty mastering school work.
• Teachers suggest that the child may have a learning disability or other type of school-related problem.
• The child loses interest in playing.
• The child tries to stimulate himself or herself in various ways. Examples of this kind of behavior include excessive thumb sucking or hair pulling, rocking of the body, head banging to the point of hurting himself, and masturbating often or in public.
• The child has no friends and gets into fights with other youngsters.
• Teachers or others may report that "this is a very angry or disruptive kid."
• The child isolates himself or herself from other people.
• The child regularly talks about death and dying.
• The child appears to have low self-esteem and little self-confidence.
• Over and over the child may make such comments as: "I can't do anything right." "I'm so stupid." "I don't see why anyone would love me." "I know you [or someone else] hates me." "Nobody likes me." "I'm ugly. . . too big. . . too small. . . too fat. . . too skinny. . . too tall. . . too short, etc."
• Sleep difficulties don't appear to be resolving.
• They include refusing to be separated from one or both parents at bedtime, inability to sleep, sleeping too much, sleeping on the parent's or parents' bed, nightmares, and night terrors.
• The child begins to act in a provocatively sexual manner.
• This is more common in girls as they approach puberty and thereafter, but even much younger girls may flirt with men in sexually suggestive ways.
• The child sets fires.

dating

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• Fighting for no reason at all.
• When you start fighting over petty points that seem to blow out of proportion, i.e. leaving the toilet seat up is a favorite. The man being used to living his whole life on his own all of a sudden is considered inconsiderate and uncaring by the woman if the toilet seat is left up.
• Showing little or no affection. It's funny how this is such a gray area that can break up a relationship because it's usually determined by the disgruntled party. What is really too much or too little?
• The dreaded friends of the disgruntled party take center stage. Remember how excited you were when you first met and that special person was considered your true "soul mate" ? Now the meeting of disgruntled friends opinion appears center stage for discussion in your relationship.
• If there was sexual involvement in the relationship it basically has been stopped or so mundane that you can't wait until you are through. To me this is the real sign it's over. Sex should be considered 90% mental and 10% physical.
• Conversation in a relationship has become null and void. Remember the long hours on the phone and in person talking about everything? Now you can barely say one word to each other.
• Finding your focus shifted to others instead of the one you are with. Remember sitting at a table and gazing into each others eyes when you first started dating? Now you look elsewhere instead of with the one you are with.
• Finding excuses to not be together alone is becoming more evident. One of the favorite cop outs is work. Always working late becomes a popular tool because the other party can say they are too tired to get together. ​
• Vacations are spent apart. Let's not forget the movie "How Stella Got Her Groove Back." Vacations apart are meant as a reason to explore new potential recruits. If your mate says they are going to a particular romantic getaway spot by themselves or with friends....boy... the signs are on the wall! It's over!

addiction

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• Denies or tries to hide drinking and/or other drug use;
• Avoids talking about his/her use and behavior when intoxicated and minimizes the amount and frequency of and problems related to drug use;
• Forgets or denies things that happened when s/he was intoxicated;
• Chooses friends who are heavy drinkers or drug users;
• Often drinks and/or takes drugs to relax or forget about problems;
• Tries to justify or excuse his/her drinking and/or other drug use;
• Drives a car or operates machinery while intoxicated, or is arrested for drunk driving;
• Behaves differently when intoxicated (for example, a person who is normally quiet and mild-mannered becomes loud and angry when intoxicated);
• Denies having a drinking problem because s/he drinks only beer or wine, or denies having a drug problem because s/he only uses marijuana, over-the-counter diet aids or some other supposedly "harmless" substance;
• Has problems related to alcohol/drug use-accidents, conflicts, financial difficulties, absenteeism, frequent illness, hangovers- with work, family and friends.
• Thinks a lot about alcohol/other drugs;
• Avoids social functions where alcohol and/or other drugs may not be available;
• Seems to have a low self-image and uses alcohol/drugs to feel better.
• Makes you embarrassed, anxious or afraid when s/he is drunk or high;

If several of these warning signs apply to your friend, you have good reason to be concerned. The more signs that apply, the worse the drinking or drug problem is likely to be. Your friend may have other problems as well. But alcohol/drug abuse won't solve those problems and may even make them worse.